I sullied and went to the college only to find new hardships and new found pain of life neither knowing the truth of outer society nor experiencing something greater good for oneself. I only harmed me and bullied myself as they did but I never prevented so I would say that it was me who hurt myself. But that was when I lived a life of soul less wanderer in the abyss of stairs to maturity crossing mountains of adolescence. Now I am grown up and I will see the era of new challenges and new behavioral aspects of so called advanced species that goes with the name of human. With the goal of changing my whole life I brought me towards the practice of making new and powerful friends which I lacked all my past life. Fortunately my past pressure helped me bring good people into my life, or were they? I finally stood at the pinnacle of my into the adult life yet my body and brains being happy, my heart ache never erased. Even though I suffered only loss of true happiness but that is something which everyone experience or so they say they do, and yet, the measure of suffering always is different in each aspect.
All things were good and my true smile started pinching my face yet I still missed the sixth sense called love. Sounds cringe yet we all know that this is something that none can deny not missing in their life. After three months of effort finally I saw someone capable of helping my past ache get healed faster. I finally found someone capable of walking with me rather walking behind or walking at the back. We met, we laughed and then we fell for each other. I would say that falling in love is easy but knowing how to love and walking with the love at the same level is close to something we call impossible. The world show miracles of love and we hear lots of stories since our birth of successful love stories but as the humanity is growing in terms of advancement we are neglecting others' feelings and focusing on I forgetting rather important word we. Two months passed and the ray of light which was weak grew into a strong half moon yet incomplete. We finally met our first love quarrel which obviously ended up me being compromising my friendship. And it's obviously understood which type of friend I am talking about even though not mentioned.
Surprisingly this wheel of love always walks on different path each time. It's like a timeline that changes itself bringing the birth of new world after every few days it rotates. Thus, the war we went through in the end brought us even closer and we finally revealed our whole to eacb other. That's something every couple do so please don't judge me. And yes, I never blackmailed anyone so please again don't think of another aspect. Well, continuing. Coming back to college gave me a pleasant surprise of touch as me being a typical Indian always lacked the essence of touch since long. I only knew the pure touch of clothes. So the touch of our hands was a bliss for me and of course the touch of her lips to my cheeks was a heaven. Now, thinking on it, I am not able to describe something more after saying heaven. Will see afterwards. Few months passed, though we were more of a fighting couple but the time when she sat beside me always ended up in our body attaching as a magnet. Our love and lust never created a difference in what our feeling was. The college that provided me with such a bliss of such a lovely girl with such beautiful aura that always made me mad to love her even more, was the same that ended up in between when the pandemic hit the streets.
I truely hate the pandemic as the pandemic changed the mind of every person. After the end of the pandemic, no one was the same as they were before. The mindset, the behaviour and the deamor changed making us more compact and selfish in many aspects. Our exchange of words started lessening and our love changed into hate. We are falling for each other like the bees fall on flowers but this is something that was only before pandemic. She started talking less and whenever we talked ended in fights. No fault can be said of only one person as both were facing a different situation. Yet we stood for each other always hoping for the other side to change their deamor and become more understanding. We, started forgetting the real meaning of love and filled our bucket with selfish thoughts and careless abuses towards each other. We forgot that the one we are hurting is the one that we love the most. Their heart that we are continuously damaging is the heart that saved ours. Our flights only increased creating havoc between us. I know if some people will read this they will say that I am a fool to curse myself as I gave my all. But the truth is that we gave what we thought was perfect for the other self but we forgot to give what the other self asked of us.
Isn't it amazing that for which love you persue is the same love that always, everytime and in every life leaves a curse of getting hurt. Their is always expectations in the society but we never think of acceptance. We always want to get love and we want someone to care for us but never ever we think what we are lacking in giving the other self. Love is such a forbidden curse through which everyone goes and is unavoidable but yet we always want to fall into it's trap just to fill the black illusionary space in our hearts. And such is what happens in the end when the devious devil that we call luck changes into it's dark phase and brings forth cries and suffering. It's like it says that "Son, it's enough for you to feel and live a happy life but now it's time for you to enjoy the same suffering that you went through. It's time to get back up as you have rested for long and prepare yourself for another round of heart aches. "
Everything started going into downfall when she came back a bit closer. Living six hundred kilometres apart for a whole of one and a half years had changed many things between us. I was into her a bit more and her attention towards me and care for me changed into self care and arrogance. I started falling into my knees, created havoc, went through hell. I created another traumatic event for my rest of life just so I can take her blame on me. But she changed and the shade which provided me with safety from sun became the after rain tree that makes you wet even after the end of rain. I met with the rose but now the thorns were becoming a punishment for me. We started fighting more than before. Obviously I cannot be totally correct as I cheated a bit after tasting the venom of alcohol. But surprisingly she didn't forgive yet replied with cheating as well. Still I was at mistake so I forgave her but the thought of selfless love perished from my feelings. In between we finally made out at our fullest whence I thought that our love will escalate from that point but little did I know that it was a mistake of mine to think even a bit of positive.
Finally after experiencing only pain and suffering, creating pain for others and becoming an eyesore for everyone present around. I destroyed my everything to save her. But she will never accept because as I explained earlier, selfless love is like impotent manliness. It can never exist. It still pains me as I think when can I feel being loved once again yet the next moment I think that this is something I can never experience. It is just not made for me.
Love is an illusion created by human's mischievous mind to negate the feeling of loneliness and depression so that the fake world of hope can be nourished.
I think it's enough and now I need to stop myself from experiencing hope. We can never truely get waht we desire. We can only accept and reality and name ourselves realist and dreams are superficial and choice is not something that can be made by us. As the religion say that the humanity is already sent to earth with a predefined purpose. In other words they want to say that your dreams and your hopes and just an illusion and in truth it has no meaning of existance. You are here as a peasant and you can never be what you desire. You can never get what you want. As the god has already decided so better to continue with the fake smile and continue making fun of everyone who thinks we are happy. Because as long as we remain showing fake feelings, they will continue accepting but once you stopped and showed your truth, you will be thrown into black hole of hate and will be sent to the eternity of feeling of loneliness.
